Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Grasping onto the good is... unnecessary.

Anxiety and depression = days of ups and downs.  Sometimes the 'up days' last for weeks, months...even half a year!  But unfortunately, so do the 'down-days'.

Lucky for me, the last week has been more up than down.  No matter what I'm feeling,  I usually analyze the shit out of 'said feelings' to try figure out why i'm up or down.

The last few days my mind has whirled with the following thoughts of why I'm feeling good:
**perhaps it's my mom's presence, maybe the lexapro is kicking in,  it definitely could be the 50,000 IU's of vitamin D(my doc did a blood test and I was suuuuper deficient..which can cause depression), maybe the Lyme antibiotics are working,  maybe it's because I'm finally opening up to family & friends about all of this,  maybe it's because I've been talking to God more lately,  maybe it's because people are praying for me,  maybe it's because I'm finally talking to a therapist,  maybe it's due to the book I've been reading... BUT one lesson that I have been slowly learning and beginning to accept.. is this:  It doesn't matter WHY.  I just need to accept these feelings, be grateful... and not be afraid of the 'down moments/days'.   Grasping to keep and hold onto the 'good-feeling' just creates more anxiety about the impending 'down moments'.   I'm learning to just 'be' in whatever I am feeling and being ok with that.

I've been working on my issues in therapy and feel like I'm starting to gain a realistic, logical view on many things I've been struggling with.  The fears/anxiety/odd thoughts are still there, but I have learned to accept that too.. and not freak out...or go into a downward spiral if a scary/weird thought pops into my head... or if the 'black cloud feeling' is there.  If something triggers my anxiety/depression, I'm just letting myself feel it.. experience it.. not dwell in the 'why'.... just know that it is the depression/anxiety...and accept that this is just how it is right now... it's how I am at that moment.    I'm learning to not give those feelings any unnecessary importance and to just go on with my day...with those feelings living along beside me.  I'm almost to the point of when I feel them coming, I say, "ok, come on in.. there's room for you".  I'm learning to stop putting such pressure on myself to "recover" or feel better.  Because with that pressure comes unrealistic expectations, guilt and frustration.   And, I'm starting to care less what people think.  After starting this blog, I was a bit worried because I knew that after people read it, they might act weird or awkward around me.  But now, I'm ok with that.  This is me.  And I'm not alone.  So many others suffer with depression/anxiety as well.  The more I open up, the more I learn how many others are out there.. dealing with this crippling mental illness.

I recently came across this super-helpful book that has been like a 'support group' for me.  Maybe I will eventually join a real one, maybe not... but this book has served as my own personal mini-support group.  The author is not a doctor, or a therapist, or a psychiatrist, or a spiritual healer, or a healthcare professional.  He is just someone who had anxiety/depression for over 10 years and somehow found his way out.  Ofcourse, not everything in the book is applicable to my situation, but just reading about other's experiences has led to fewer feelings of isolation and fear.  He also has a website that I have found insightful and enlightening:
http://www.anxietynomore.co.uk/depersonalisation_and_derealisation.html

He calls depression 'depersonalization', and he talks about that in his book as well.   In his blog, people discuss and communicate through comments on the blog of the day, and that's where the 'mini-support' group aspect comes in.  I appreciate how he personally filters the responses so that no negative, ignorant, nasty or unintelligent comments are allowed on the page.  Here, I have found people who suffer from OCPD/depression/anxiety that is soooo similar to mine.  It's a safe place for people to express their worries, relate to others, chat about the ups & downs and post success stories.  Here is the blog link: http://anxietynomore.co.uk/blog/ .  He is from/lives in England, so he uses some fun/different vocab.  When the book first arrived in the mail, it took me about two weeks to open it up and read it... in dread that it wouldn't help... like all the other self-help books I've read.  However this one just makes sense... more so than all the spiritual/positive thinking books I've studied.  The concepts are easy to grasp... although a little hard to apply… in the fact that it asks you to change habits and have patience...   I have started to feel less terrified of my illness after reading this book.

So, I am staying open to all the feelings that arise... letting them come...and living with them & through them.  I'm done grasping onto the 'good days', praying that the 'bad days' stay away...  now I'm letting it all in... and just being... without analyzation or expectations.

5 comments:

  1. this is good to hear/read. i love you.

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  2. I think that writing down your feelings as you've done helps bring them out openly and maybe accept and deal alittle better with them?
    Anyway keep it up Darlin! love you

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  3. Writing down your feelings can also be therapy to understanding and healing. love you darlin

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  4. Yes, I agree...we focus so much on the "why" which can lead to a downward spiral instead of just accepting things as is. Or being grateful. Or asking what is mine to do instead of why is this happening to me. Moving from victim to empowerment. Staying grounded in the moment. Accepting what is- we may not be able to change the circumstances but we can change how we react to them. That's a good understanding to come to. I'm glad you found a way to process and release your thoughts. Sending you so much love!

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  5. yeah i'm finally getting your blog :)

    so proud of you for being so open and expressing what is going on with you.
    i agree with you sometimes when you over think everything it can be so exhausting and to top it off putting pressure on yourself to feel better just adds more anxiety. i do the same thing to myself...i'm right now going through depression and i chose to not do any drugs. i'm fine when i'm not thinking or when i'm social with friends...its when i'm alone and i just sit for hours on end and stare and do nothing but i know i will come out of this and i have to be realistic that this is going to take sometime for me to get back to being myself again. therapy helps and going to church helps me and reading this has helped me so thank you mama, i love you!

    m
    (now i'm gonna start leaving you tons of messages so watch out hehehe)

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