Grasping onto the good is... unnecessary.

Anxiety and depression = days of ups and downs.  Sometimes the 'up days' last for weeks, months...even half a year!  But unfortunately, so do the 'down-days'.

Lucky for me, the last week has been more up than down.  No matter what I'm feeling,  I usually analyze the shit out of 'said feelings' to try figure out why i'm up or down.

The last few days my mind has whirled with the following thoughts of why I'm feeling good:
**perhaps it's my mom's presence, maybe the lexapro is kicking in,  it definitely could be the 50,000 IU's of vitamin D(my doc did a blood test and I was suuuuper deficient..which can cause depression), maybe the Lyme antibiotics are working,  maybe it's because I'm finally opening up to family & friends about all of this,  maybe it's because I've been talking to God more lately,  maybe it's because people are praying for me,  maybe it's because I'm finally talking to a therapist,  maybe it's due to the book I've been reading... BUT one lesson that I have been slowly learning and beginning to accept.. is this:  It doesn't matter WHY.  I just need to accept these feelings, be grateful... and not be afraid of the 'down moments/days'.   Grasping to keep and hold onto the 'good-feeling' just creates more anxiety about the impending 'down moments'.   I'm learning to just 'be' in whatever I am feeling and being ok with that.

I've been working on my issues in therapy and feel like I'm starting to gain a realistic, logical view on many things I've been struggling with.  The fears/anxiety/odd thoughts are still there, but I have learned to accept that too.. and not freak out...or go into a downward spiral if a scary/weird thought pops into my head... or if the 'black cloud feeling' is there.  If something triggers my anxiety/depression, I'm just letting myself feel it.. experience it.. not dwell in the 'why'.... just know that it is the depression/anxiety...and accept that this is just how it is right now... it's how I am at that moment.    I'm learning to not give those feelings any unnecessary importance and to just go on with my day...with those feelings living along beside me.  I'm almost to the point of when I feel them coming, I say, "ok, come on in.. there's room for you".  I'm learning to stop putting such pressure on myself to "recover" or feel better.  Because with that pressure comes unrealistic expectations, guilt and frustration.   And, I'm starting to care less what people think.  After starting this blog, I was a bit worried because I knew that after people read it, they might act weird or awkward around me.  But now, I'm ok with that.  This is me.  And I'm not alone.  So many others suffer with depression/anxiety as well.  The more I open up, the more I learn how many others are out there.. dealing with this crippling mental illness.

I recently came across this super-helpful book that has been like a 'support group' for me.  Maybe I will eventually join a real one, maybe not... but this book has served as my own personal mini-support group.  The author is not a doctor, or a therapist, or a psychiatrist, or a spiritual healer, or a healthcare professional.  He is just someone who had anxiety/depression for over 10 years and somehow found his way out.  Ofcourse, not everything in the book is applicable to my situation, but just reading about other's experiences has led to fewer feelings of isolation and fear.  He also has a website that I have found insightful and enlightening:
http://www.anxietynomore.co.uk/depersonalisation_and_derealisation.html

He calls depression 'depersonalization', and he talks about that in his book as well.   In his blog, people discuss and communicate through comments on the blog of the day, and that's where the 'mini-support' group aspect comes in.  I appreciate how he personally filters the responses so that no negative, ignorant, nasty or unintelligent comments are allowed on the page.  Here, I have found people who suffer from OCPD/depression/anxiety that is soooo similar to mine.  It's a safe place for people to express their worries, relate to others, chat about the ups & downs and post success stories.  Here is the blog link: http://anxietynomore.co.uk/blog/ .  He is from/lives in England, so he uses some fun/different vocab.  When the book first arrived in the mail, it took me about two weeks to open it up and read it... in dread that it wouldn't help... like all the other self-help books I've read.  However this one just makes sense... more so than all the spiritual/positive thinking books I've studied.  The concepts are easy to grasp... although a little hard to apply… in the fact that it asks you to change habits and have patience...   I have started to feel less terrified of my illness after reading this book.

So, I am staying open to all the feelings that arise... letting them come...and living with them & through them.  I'm done grasping onto the 'good days', praying that the 'bad days' stay away...  now I'm letting it all in... and just being... without analyzation or expectations.

Trying times call for trust.. I think...

This last week has been a bit difficult.  I randomly start crying(like little mini outbursts) and my anxiety is pretty high.  Alot of it stems from the lyme disease/worry that I'm not getting the correct treatment(because my symptoms are still bad), but alot of it also has to do with my normal anxiety/depression and that my mother is not here(she has been at my house the last two weeks going to doctor appointments and also just being there emotionally for me when I need to talk or cry).

Spirituality does not come easy for me.  Even though I believe in God(something inside of me just does--no explaining it), I've always been skeptical of the man-made, politically-motivated, money driven religions.   On and off, I've recently been attending a Unity Church here in Austin and although I enjoy the message of universal love and acceptance, I don't feel like attending church brings me closer to God.  I guess that's just something I have to work on myself.   And I usually only turn to God when things are rough or bad in my life--which I'm sure must be a common habit of a lot of people.  When the anxiety/depression isn't bad, I do still 'talk' to God.. like if it's a gorgeous day out..birds chirping, nice weather.. I take a moment and thank God for my life and that day.

However, it's just soooo hard for me to trust... to put all my trust in God.  I so envy the people who have unwavering faith.  But I also think it's silly sometimes when people call EVERY good thing that happens to them "God".  Because I believe most stuff that happens is just "life".  So I guess what I'm saying is maybe I don't trust God completely.  Maybe it's because I see all the horrendous, horrible things that happen in this world and don't understand how God can allow that(including my scary, bad weird, irrational thoughts/worries)--but again, maybe that stuff is just "life".   The teachings of Science of Mind and Unity say (ofcourse this is super paraphrased and not quoted correctly) basically that all the 'bad stuff' that happens or that people do, stems from a 'separation' from God.   This does make sense to me.. more so than the thought of "the devil sitting in a fiery hell".  In my opinion, hell can reside on earth.. in the mind.. not under our feet.

I recently posted something on facebook about "trust" from a 'positive thoughts' website that went like this: 

Although I envy Julia's faith and trust in God... honestly, I believe more what Content & Mark say...
It boils down to your personal attitude about the happenings in your life.  What can make or break you is how you deal with what you are given.  But how do you deal with what you are given when depression/anxiety/ocpd cloud what should be(and has been) a normal, rational healthy mind?  Maybe I just need to remember the moments of clarity when the mental illness wasn't so prevalent.  Maybe I need to keep those 'free, natural, normal feeling moments' in the forefront of my mind when anxiety/scary thoughts roar their ugly heads...

So I guess, at this point, I just need to TRUST that GOD is with me during all this awfulness.  I can't depend on God for the outcome I want or think I need.  Due to my personal experiences.. I know that's not really how it works.  So I just need to know--and hopefully rest in the fact-- that God is with me.  I just wish I could trust myself enough to know that I can trust God.

Just let it out to the ones you love..

One of the hardest things about depression/anxiety is being open/honest about it.  Seriously think about it... all those of you who aren't depressed.. the last thing you want to do is listen to someone about how they think life isn't worth living, how the things that once made them happy just don't inspire them anymore, how they have no energy, how the meds aren't working, etc.   Most healthy-minded people's responses vary from, "cheer up", "you're so blessed and lucky, how can you be depressed", "just smile", "you'll be fine", "well don't take those anti-depressants, cause they'll make you crazy", "snap out of it".  And the people who have 'major depression disorder' realize that healthy peeps just don't want to hear about it or don't understand that it is not just a state of mind, it's an ILLNESS.  When I was feeling guilty about having depression, my therapist said "Would you feel guilty about having cancer?"  hmmmm.....

Depression can be situational or chemical or genetic(or brought on by lymes disease!) .  It can start out as situational which can trigger the chemical.  It's such a complex, confusing, frustrating, shitty-ass illness that is emabarrassing and humiliating to admit to... or to talk about.  BUT, being OPEN about it(to loved ones who will support you) actually helps it hurt less.    In a weird way, I am thankful for my lymes disease.. because it made the depression so very very bad & darkly debilitating, that I finally sought help.  Help from my therapist, from a psychiatrist, help from my friends, help from my family.  I'm not saying go shout from the rooftops about your depression, but selectively telling close(supportive, open-minded) friends and family really does help.  And it's soooo hard to do, because depression creates this aura of depersonalization and separation... but sharing and opening up is vital for healing(no that I'm quite there yet).  Plus, the more you open up, the more you realize you're not alone in this hell.  So many people suffer from anxiety/depression...including FAMILY MEMBERS!  Until I was open about my situation, I never knew how many people in my family suffered from this as well.. which explains alot about my situation (genentics).  HOWEVER,  it shouldn't matter WHY...not all people know WHY... and that is something I'm struggling with now.. letting go of the "why" and just accepting the reality.

I am lucky and blessed to have my parents, my husband, family and friends by my side during this intolerable & hellish time.  Now it is time to find the strength within myself.  Maybe it's god, maybe it's me.. maybe it's my "heart-room"(the place my mom would tell the kids that she was teaching sunday school to-- when they were scared, uncomfortable, sad or unsure...as my mom puts it..'where you can be with jesus'.. to go to).. but it's time to call on that strength.  The strength I NEVER would have found...or sought after.. without talking to my family/close friends about this.

This(being open) doesn't come easy for me.. well... not with these issues anyway.  But, I know I feel better...feel a release when I do so. 

Well hells bells...Lymes Disease can cause depression/anxiety.

"A recent European study shows that psychiatric in-patients are nearly twice as likely as the average population to test positive for Lyme, and the National Institutes of Health are currently sponsoring a major study of neuropsychiatric Lyme disease in an effort to illuminate specific changes in the brain."

In an effort to heal and recover(so hard to force myself into this 'want to heal' mindset in the midst of the crippling depression..but something inside of me still wants to fight and persevere...thank god) I made a docotor's appointment for my first "adult physical".

Therapy, lexpro, EFT was helping, but I'd still spiral off into these uncontrollable bouts of anxiety, panic and despair.  Even with all my proactive steps towards recovery, something still felt off.

So, off to the doctor I went.  After describing my symptoms:

1.    Bite on my leg that has not healed - FEB 20TH, 2010 (retreat in the woods)
2.    The Flu/Bronchitis--- March 2010
3.    Sinus infection—April 2010
4.    Swollen/sore throat with sleep apnea--April 2010
5.    Knee pain & swelling—May 2010-present
6.    Tingling-Electrical impulse feelings in both legs--- May 2010-present
7.    Depression/anxiety/1st panic attack--- June 2010-present
8.    Cloudiness/brain fog/disconnected feeling- --July 2010-Feb 2011
9.    Night sweats---July 2010-present
10.    Numbness in last two fingers on both hands---September 2010-present
11.    Hypnic Jerks-Sleep disturbances (Wakes up with severe twitch some nights many times, Racing Heart, Shortness of Breath) October 2010-present
12.    Ringing in ears---Jan 2011-present
13.    Blurred vision--- February 2011-present
14.    Difficulty with Speech –--Jan 2011-present
15.    Memory Difficulties---December 2010-present
16.    Fatigue--November 2010-present

She did a blood test on a variety of things, including testing my thyroid and testing for Lymes Disease.  Sure enough, I have Lymes Disease.  I feel like a "HOUSE" episode.  I have started educating myself on this intricate illness and have learned that, indeed, it can cause, exacerbate or mimic psychological/mental illness.  

I am not saying that this has been the cause of my depression, but has definitely made it waaaaay worse in the last year.  I still have alot of psychological issues to work through, but just knowing that disease is a major factor in my current 'state of mind' brings me comfort and a little peace.  So, I am thankful for just knowing and understanding.  

In my quest for knowledge of Lymes, I have learned that many many people are misdiagnosed with a mental illness, when in fact, it is actually Lymes Disease.  SO, my advice for ANYONE struggling with anxiety or depression.. is GET TESTED FOR LYMES.  It is a simple blood test.  

Below are some helpful websites/links/short quotes on the Neurological and Psychological effects of Lymes Disease:

"Neuropsychiatric: mood swings, violent outbursts, irritability, depression, disturbed sleep (too much, too little, early awakening), personality changes, obsessivedisorder, paranoia, panic anxiety attack, hallucinations. " --http://www.lymediseaseassociation.org/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=276&Itemid=29

**"Dysfunction of other specific pathways may more directly cause depression. ...The link between encephalopathy and depression has been more thoroughly studied in other illnesses, such as stroke. The neura1 injury from a stroke causes neural dysfunction that causes depression. Injury to specific brain regions has different statisti­cal correlation with the development of depression. Once depression or other psychiatric syndromes occur with Lyme disease, treating them effectively improves other Lyme disease symptoms as well and prevents the development of more severe conse­quences, such as suicide." --http://www.mentalhealthandillness.com/Articles/LymeDepressionAndSuicide.htm

**"At one point I asked my mother to commit me because I had no control over my actions. To this day I don’t know if it was depression or it was from Lyme disease (because it can hide in soft tissue in the brain, literally making one crazy.)I cannot even verbalize the depression, anxiety and anger ...I had during this time in my life. " http://www.beatlymedisease.com/

**"A recent European study shows that psychiatric in-patients are nearly twice as likely as the average population to test positive for Lyme, and the National Institutes of Health are currently sponsoring a major study of neuropsychiatric Lyme disease in an effort to illuminate specific changes in the brain. Psychiatric Lyme has been linked with virtually every psychiatric diagnosis and can affect people of all ages and from every walk of life. A former honor roll student is diagnosed with Attention Deficit Disorder and pegged as a “problem kid” because he can’t sit still in class. A lawyer has to close her practice because she can’t concentrate and suffers from anxiety attacks. A young mother is so sensitive to noise that she can no longer tolerate her baby’s cry and is afraid that she will harm her child. A retired salesman develops a compulsive habit of writing all over everything—he covers everything from the tablecloth to matchbooks with meaningless scribbles."    http://www.igenex.com/psychological_effects.htm

I have been on the antibiotics for about 12 days now and can definitely feel a difference.  Less cloudy/foggy, more grounded, not scared, knee pain lessening, sleeping better, less agitated.

Feeling more like the 'old (happy, dorky, creative, curious, analytical, stylin) me' again.   Not quite there... but on the right path. 

The Begining of Acceptance

I've always envied those with blogs.  Just lettin' it all hang out...like it ain't no thang.  I've never really wanted to start one though.. for various reasons.   One being, I've always thought it was a bit self indulgent.  However, I really enjoy reading other people's blogs, especially when I am searching for answers, advice, or just want to get to know someone.

So the reason I am starting this blog is this:
I hope to help people that are living with depression, anxiety and OCPD... just cope, relate and know they aren't suffering alone.  Even typing that feels a bit odd to me, in the fact that I never thought I'd be the kind of person facing these issues.  But, I am.  And it's ok... or at least, that's what I'm trying to convince myself of.

I guess I have had trouble accepting this because, well, I have felt like I didn't have reason for these ailments.  I had a pretty perfect childhood...no abuse, to tragic event that was done to me, no divorced parents, no death of someone close.  I am happy with my life circumstances (like my job, have a good relationship with my loving husband, have supportive parents, good friends, two cute pups, no pressing money problems, fulfilling hobbies, etc.)  Ofcourse, I have small issues/ every day annoyances like everyone else, but there is no real reason logical reason for my depression/anxiety/obsessive thoughts.  And the fact that there should be no reasons just adds to the guilt and embarrassment and frustration of having depression.

There was a past event that brought on this anxiety and depression... and it all started when I remembered the event in college.   It didn't happen in college, but thats when I remembered it.  It happened when I was around 12 or 13... but has been a source of depression/anxiety for me over the past 8 years.  Trying to understand why, what that means about me, fear that there is something wrong with me, obsessive thoughts about what that makes me now and scary thoughts about destiny, guilt, shame, etc.  So  and after seeing a therapist and psychiatrist about it, I have begun to gain some real perspective and understanding.. and am finally realizing that is isn't as big of a deal as my mind has made it out to be and that I don't have to obsess about the future because of what happened in the past.  

Even though I am healing around that occurrence, the depression and anxiety is still present.. now more than ever, actually.  It has started attaching itself to small issues, turning them into life threatening/life changing big issues.   I guess that's how anxiety and depression work.

I've taken lexparo off and on the past couple of years and although that helped with the symptoms.. because I wasn't ready to talk about it, the depression did not go away after I stopped the medication.  The last time I was on the medication, I was on too high of a dose(self medicating) and I got even more lethargic and depressed(with super negative thoughts) than before I was on it.  Just recently, I tried Luvox, but it mad me really pissy and and then super sad(more suicidal than I've ever been), so back to the Lexapro.. just in a super small dose.. 2.5-4 milligrams.  I've been on that for two days now, so we'll see.  I've also started to notice that my depression can be triggered by pms too..

But, I didn't want to be on the pills because I felt like I shouldn't have to be... since I didn't have a legit reason for being depressed.  So I just dealt as best I could.  And the depression wasn't all the time, just two-three times a year... but really bad.

Also, there is soooo much out there on the internet about depression.  The more I read, the more hopeless and scary and never-ending it seems.  People are so judgmental about "taking pills"... probably because of the scary side affects that can happen.  My social circle(by my choice) consisits of people who believe everything can be healed naturally or homeopathically or with meditation/yoga, or new age thinking.. like change your thoughts-change your mind...  I've so wanted to believe this too(because it just makes sense!) and have given myself a hard time about that not being the 'cure-all' answer for me-- but that mindset is what I'm still striving for.  I have tried supplements, herbs, acupuncture, cranio-sacral therapy, self help books, cds, spirituality.  I do believe that talk therapy is helping... just to get it out... but I hope to find ways or techniques of dealing with it outside of therapy.

One of the hardest things about this is feeling like I'm leading a double life.   Unless I talk to people about this, they would NEVER know what I am going through, how much I cry, how down on myself I am, all the negative thoughts about myself I have in a day.  I hide it reeeeally well.  Honestly, my husband is the only one who knows the extent of all of this.  Well, now my therapist, of 4 months.  I feel like those people on the comnmercials for anti-depressents.  Like I have to "wind myself up" to get through the day.   And now, this new anxiety feeling(I had my first panic attack this year) is making everything worse.  I feel up and down and all over the place.

And thats where I'm at now.  I'm to the point of accepting that this is real... and chemical... it doesn't define me, but right now, it's a big part of my life.  And maybe its something I'm going to have to deal with forever.  I want to take it one day at a time.. but sometimes the days are really tough.. then they turn into weeks and then into months.  These feelings have never lasted this long before... it has been goin on since july/june of 2010.  But I'm trying to keep it in persepctive.  I'm trying and praying and hoping.