I've always envied those with blogs. Just lettin' it all hang out...like it ain't no thang. I've never really wanted to start one though.. for various reasons. One being, I've always thought it was a bit self indulgent. However, I really enjoy reading other people's blogs, especially when I am searching for answers, advice, or just want to get to know someone.
So the reason I am starting this blog is this:
I hope to help people that are living with depression, anxiety and OCPD... just cope, relate and know they aren't suffering alone. Even typing that feels a bit odd to me, in the fact that I never thought I'd be the kind of person facing these issues. But, I am. And it's ok... or at least, that's what I'm trying to convince myself of.
I guess I have had trouble accepting this because, well, I have felt like I didn't have reason for these ailments. I had a pretty perfect childhood...no abuse, to tragic event that was done to me, no divorced parents, no death of someone close. I am happy with my life circumstances (like my job, have a good relationship with my loving husband, have supportive parents, good friends, two cute pups, no pressing money problems, fulfilling hobbies, etc.) Ofcourse, I have small issues/ every day annoyances like everyone else, but there is no real reason logical reason for my depression/anxiety/obsessive thoughts. And the fact that there should be no reasons just adds to the guilt and embarrassment and frustration of having depression.
There was a past event that brought on this anxiety and depression... and it all started when I remembered the event in college. It didn't happen in college, but thats when I remembered it. It happened when I was around 12 or 13... but has been a source of depression/anxiety for me over the past 8 years. Trying to understand why, what that means about me, fear that there is something wrong with me, obsessive thoughts about what that makes me now and scary thoughts about destiny, guilt, shame, etc. So and after seeing a therapist and psychiatrist about it, I have begun to gain some real perspective and understanding.. and am finally realizing that is isn't as big of a deal as my mind has made it out to be and that I don't have to obsess about the future because of what happened in the past.
Even though I am healing around that occurrence, the depression and anxiety is still present.. now more than ever, actually. It has started attaching itself to small issues, turning them into life threatening/life changing big issues. I guess that's how anxiety and depression work.
I've taken lexparo off and on the past couple of years and although that helped with the symptoms.. because I wasn't ready to talk about it, the depression did not go away after I stopped the medication. The last time I was on the medication, I was on too high of a dose(self medicating) and I got even more lethargic and depressed(with super negative thoughts) than before I was on it. Just recently, I tried Luvox, but it mad me really pissy and and then super sad(more suicidal than I've ever been), so back to the Lexapro.. just in a super small dose.. 2.5-4 milligrams. I've been on that for two days now, so we'll see. I've also started to notice that my depression can be triggered by pms too..
But, I didn't want to be on the pills because I felt like I shouldn't have to be... since I didn't have a legit reason for being depressed. So I just dealt as best I could. And the depression wasn't all the time, just two-three times a year... but really bad.
Also, there is soooo much out there on the internet about depression. The more I read, the more hopeless and scary and never-ending it seems. People are so judgmental about "taking pills"... probably because of the scary side affects that can happen. My social circle(by my choice) consisits of people who believe everything can be healed naturally or homeopathically or with meditation/yoga, or new age thinking.. like change your thoughts-change your mind... I've so wanted to believe this too(because it just makes sense!) and have given myself a hard time about that not being the 'cure-all' answer for me-- but that mindset is what I'm still striving for. I have tried supplements, herbs, acupuncture, cranio-sacral therapy, self help books, cds, spirituality. I do believe that talk therapy is helping... just to get it out... but I hope to find ways or techniques of dealing with it outside of therapy.
One of the hardest things about this is feeling like I'm leading a double life. Unless I talk to people about this, they would NEVER know what I am going through, how much I cry, how down on myself I am, all the negative thoughts about myself I have in a day. I hide it reeeeally well. Honestly, my husband is the only one who knows the extent of all of this. Well, now my therapist, of 4 months. I feel like those people on the comnmercials for anti-depressents. Like I have to "wind myself up" to get through the day. And now, this new anxiety feeling(I had my first panic attack this year) is making everything worse. I feel up and down and all over the place.
And thats where I'm at now. I'm to the point of accepting that this is real... and chemical... it doesn't define me, but right now, it's a big part of my life. And maybe its something I'm going to have to deal with forever. I want to take it one day at a time.. but sometimes the days are really tough.. then they turn into weeks and then into months. These feelings have never lasted this long before... it has been goin on since july/june of 2010. But I'm trying to keep it in persepctive. I'm trying and praying and hoping.
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