Trying times call for trust.. I think...

This last week has been a bit difficult.  I randomly start crying(like little mini outbursts) and my anxiety is pretty high.  Alot of it stems from the lyme disease/worry that I'm not getting the correct treatment(because my symptoms are still bad), but alot of it also has to do with my normal anxiety/depression and that my mother is not here(she has been at my house the last two weeks going to doctor appointments and also just being there emotionally for me when I need to talk or cry).

Spirituality does not come easy for me.  Even though I believe in God(something inside of me just does--no explaining it), I've always been skeptical of the man-made, politically-motivated, money driven religions.   On and off, I've recently been attending a Unity Church here in Austin and although I enjoy the message of universal love and acceptance, I don't feel like attending church brings me closer to God.  I guess that's just something I have to work on myself.   And I usually only turn to God when things are rough or bad in my life--which I'm sure must be a common habit of a lot of people.  When the anxiety/depression isn't bad, I do still 'talk' to God.. like if it's a gorgeous day out..birds chirping, nice weather.. I take a moment and thank God for my life and that day.

However, it's just soooo hard for me to trust... to put all my trust in God.  I so envy the people who have unwavering faith.  But I also think it's silly sometimes when people call EVERY good thing that happens to them "God".  Because I believe most stuff that happens is just "life".  So I guess what I'm saying is maybe I don't trust God completely.  Maybe it's because I see all the horrendous, horrible things that happen in this world and don't understand how God can allow that(including my scary, bad weird, irrational thoughts/worries)--but again, maybe that stuff is just "life".   The teachings of Science of Mind and Unity say (ofcourse this is super paraphrased and not quoted correctly) basically that all the 'bad stuff' that happens or that people do, stems from a 'separation' from God.   This does make sense to me.. more so than the thought of "the devil sitting in a fiery hell".  In my opinion, hell can reside on earth.. in the mind.. not under our feet.

I recently posted something on facebook about "trust" from a 'positive thoughts' website that went like this: 

Although I envy Julia's faith and trust in God... honestly, I believe more what Content & Mark say...
It boils down to your personal attitude about the happenings in your life.  What can make or break you is how you deal with what you are given.  But how do you deal with what you are given when depression/anxiety/ocpd cloud what should be(and has been) a normal, rational healthy mind?  Maybe I just need to remember the moments of clarity when the mental illness wasn't so prevalent.  Maybe I need to keep those 'free, natural, normal feeling moments' in the forefront of my mind when anxiety/scary thoughts roar their ugly heads...

So I guess, at this point, I just need to TRUST that GOD is with me during all this awfulness.  I can't depend on God for the outcome I want or think I need.  Due to my personal experiences.. I know that's not really how it works.  So I just need to know--and hopefully rest in the fact-- that God is with me.  I just wish I could trust myself enough to know that I can trust God.